You Can't Win Without Losing
by Gemma Cane
Summary: When you feel so strongly about something, you can't just...put it away. Right? Flora doesn't think so, but those feelings come with a price. One thing's for certain. You can't always win, you can't always lose, and you definitely can't run away forever...
1. The Truth is Never Easy

I don't know when it started, but I know it's here now, and it's not going away. I wish it would, but really, I don't want it to. I'm not letting go. I know that I shouldn't...but I can't help myself. It's all so wrong, yet I feel as though I'm doing the right thing. Rounding the bend in the dirt track running through the forest, the dappled moonlight splashed onto my tan skin and cast shadows over the clearing I now found myself in. Across the way, a silhouette materialised among the trees. It stepped towards me, out into the broken light. The shadows lingered on his face for a moment, then slid away, revealing his identity. There he was. His presence made my skin crawl, but in a good way. It was strange, I was almost...terrified to be around him, but it gave me such a thrill. He was just standing there, staring at me. I held his gaze, refusing to move down wind. But I could feel myself melting. Those violet eyes, cold as they were, penetrated my soul, saw right through me. I was worried though. Maybe I wasn't ready for this...his personality could be just like his eyes at times, icy cold, and I know that I can be quite sensitive. I just... don't want to get hurt. I could feel my face burning up. Blushing furiously, I turned away, heard his slight chuckle. Needless to say, it didn't ease my embarrassment.

"Knocked you off your guard, have I? Surprise." One corner of his mouth lifted slyly as he took a step closer.

I smiled shyly, suddenly feeling like an airheaded freshman, madly crushing on one of those dark, mysterious senior boys. I pushed my blonde bangs out of my eyes, my heart skipping like a spring lamb. He just had this way of getting under my skin. "You got me...again." I replied, twirling a strand of my hair around one finger.

He raised his eyebrows, smirking. "Flora, chill out, okay?" He came closer to me, reaching out and holding my hands in his, sending a tingling sensation rushing along my arms and through my entire body. "You're always so jumpy, so..."

Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled me closer to him, pressing my body against his. So close, I could feel his heart beating steadily, whilst mine hammered in my chest.

"..._tense._" His last word was barely a whisper, and before I knew what was happening, his hands let go of mine and softly, gently, his fingertips brushed my cheeks, and he looked deep into my eyes.

This time, I couldn't tear myself from him. He leaned in slowly towards me, and I tilted my face upwards slightly, closed my eyes, felt our lips pressing together. The airheaded girl inside me returned, and for a moment, I convinced myself that I'm where I need to go, for a moment, I convinced myself that this was meant to be, forgot about everything else...and then that moment ended. Guilt washed over me, and I jerked him away suddenly, shaking my head, slightly breathless, knowing that what I was doing was wrong, no matter how much I wished it was right. I could feel tears threatening to fall, and turned on my heel. I couldn't give him an explanation of how he made me feel. It was too difficult, too painful. Sometimes silence can explain better than words. Flicking my brown hair over my shoulders, the gentle breeze combed through it as it tumbled freely down my back. Low growing shrubs scraped along the pale blue jeans I wore, leaving slightly muddy streaks across them. The sides of my burgundy converse were splattered with mud and soaked through from the damp forest floor. I pulled my maroon vest top down over my hips, wrapping my soft, midnight blue denim jacket that was covering my shoulders around myself as best I could. My usual gold bangles jingled on my wrists, and I picked up the pace, desperate to evacuate myself from the situation in the woods. I became aware of footsteps running behind me. I turned my head in time to see him catching up to me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me backwards suddenly, catching me as I lost my balance and fell into his strong chest.

He held my shoulders and stared down at me. "Flora, where are you going? Has something happened-" He paused, spotting the tears that glistened on my cheeks. "Was it something _I _did? What's going on?"

I sniffed, looking away. I couldn't keep my gaze focused on him. "Riven...don't you understand? Can't you see? I can't stay here! I can't _be_ here...not with you!"

Riven looked hurt. "What have I ever done to you? Flora I lo-"

I smiled at him, laying my hand on his cheek, stroking his face. "I know, Riven, and I wish I could stay. Trust me, it's not you. You haven't done anything, not to me..."

He raised his hand, placing it on top of mine, holding it against his face. "Then why..."

"What about Musa?" I blurted out. "Think about what you're doing to her. And Helia. Every time I'm with you, Riven, I always end up thinking about him, and what would happen to him if he ever found out about us! Don't you feel any remorse? I- I've never been a home wrecker before."

He sighed, and this time it was his turn to look away. "But, we can fight for us, right?"

"Riven, I-"

"No! Just, hear me out, Flora..."

My eyes were swimming, and I blinked hard, more tears streaming my face. I nodded, crossing my arms, and gave Riven the chance to say what he needed to say.

"Flora, yes, I've been dating Musa. And yes, it's been for a while, but Musa has never made me _feel _the way _you_ do. I can't get you out of my head. Whenever I'm with Musa I'm thinking about you! You're the one thing that never leaves my mind, and I never stop waiting for these moments, when I finally get to see you, spend time with you. Yes, I'm with Musa, but _you're _the one I _really _want. The one I _need. _No one can take that away from me. Not even you. I won't let them."

How could I make him understand? We are both just so different...but instead of that making being together difficult, it makes being apart difficult. He just didn't see things the way I did. He only saw the good, whilst I saw the bad. The really, _really_ bad. "Riven, I'm not trying to take anything away from you. You think I don't wish things could be different? I wish constantly that life were simpler than this...that if two people were really _meant_ to be together, they can always find a way. But if that way means we have to lie, break someone else's heart...then I think we need to leave it there, minimise the amount of people who need to get hurt. Every time I look at Helia, I know that if he knew about this, it would crush him, and his feelings. The same for Musa. What you feel for me, what I feel for you...they feel for us."

"So you admit there's something there?" Riven wasn't giving up.

"That's not what I said!"

Riven nodded his head. "You said what I feel for you, what _you_ feel for _me_... Isn't that proof enough, Flora? This is what we are meant to be, but we can only be it together. Can't _you_ see that?"

"Look, don't get me wrong, I want to be with you. More than anything. But maybe, we should forget about everything that's happened between us. It's not right, Riven...sneaking around like this." I took a step back, and turned to leave for the second time.

"Alright then." He said. "Let's quit sneaking around. When we both found out that we each had another person in our lives, that didn't stop us from seeing each other. We didn't try our bloody best to ruin the other's life. We knew that we were meant to be, that nothing could stop us, and although you _seem_ to have forgotten that, I know that deep down, you still know it. You know that walking away? Is a mistake, something you'll regret. Leaving now, giving up without a fight, _that's _the wrong thing to do."

I didn't turn around, but stopped walking. I had a feeling I knew what was coming, even though I had always hoped that this time would never arrive. But it was inevitable, right from the start. " W- What are you saying?"

"I think you know, Flora." His voice was quiet, gentle.

"No, Riven, I can't...I know what it's like, to be hurt, and I swore to myself that I would never do anything to hurt someone else." I spluttered, voice cracking and falling to a whisper. "I just can't."

"What? And you think that I've never been hurt before? Flora, trust me, been there, done that. But doesn't it make it okay if we're doing a bad thing for a good reason?"

This time I looked straight at him, a look of shock on my face. "What kind of logic is that?" I shrieked at him. "No, it doesn't make it 'okay'."

"Okay, maybe...'okay' wasn't the best way to put it..." Riven looked at his feet, ears burning red.

"Huh, really?" I scoffed, wishing the whole thing would just end there and then.

"Look, what I'm trying to say is that, Flora, I don't want to put this dream away. I don't want to give up on us." Riven tried again. "I want to see if what we have...is love. _True_ love. A love worth fighting for. I'm ready to pay the price for that. Are you?"

"I-" I didn't know what to say. "Of course I am Riven...I just don't want to hurt anyone. I should have thought about this before...before I got into this scrape. It's all just a huge mess."

"Is that all I am then? Just a mistake?" Riven asked.

Remember when I said that Riven can be just like his eyes? Well, this is one of those times. He's prone to...mood swings. And now, just the tiniest mistake in my choice of words had him standing by his gun, suddenly cold.

"Riven, you know that's not what I meant!" I pleaded. "I can't help feeling guilty! What we're doing isn't right. I still love you, but we need to forget about this. We shouldn't be together."

You have no idea how much it pained me to say that. Riven's hard face was unreadable, apart from the tell tale tears that swam in his eyes, threatening to fall.

"Am I the mistake that you'll live to regret? Not walking away, but loving me?" He challenged.

"I don't regret any of it...I just know I need to walk away. I wish things could be different, but they can't."

"Why not?" His voice rose slightly. "We get to choose our own paths. We decide what can and can't be in our lives. No one else can."

"Yeah?" I was beginning to lose my temper. I take pride in being quite calm and slow to anger, but everyone has their limits, and Riven was seriously beginning to push mine. "What if I decided this for myself? What if I decide to walk away on my own?"

"And what if _I_ decide to fight for my feelings?" He shot back.

I opened my mouth to retaliate, but I was lost for words. Again. Shaking my head, I shrugged my shoulders. "If we cant even agree on a relationship...should we really be in one?" We had drifted away from the subject of my fear, the one thing I really didn't want to do. I planned to get out of there before anything went that far.

"Flora, the _only reason _this isn't working is because we're being held back. Its time to tell them."

"Riven I-"

"You don't want to hurt anyone. I get that Flora. No one said this would be easy."

"No one said things should have turned out like this in the first place." I whispered.

"Look, as much as we can try and avoid it, the truth is that if we don't tell them, they're gonna figure it out for themselves. Eventually. It's better they hear it from us instead of somebody else. It's time to stop hiding. To come clean. We can either run from this moment...or we can learn from it. We can run, and make things more painful than they need to be. Or we can learn, and move on, pick up the pieces."

"Things are gonna be painful either way." I sighed.

"But less so if we learn from this moment and do the honourable thing."

"Nothing is honourable about this!"

"Telling the truth is better than lying." He said forcefully. "You know I'm right Flora. You always knew that it would come to this. Now that time has come, we cant delay it any further."

I looked away in defeat. "Okay." I said at last. "I'll tell Helia. And you'll tell Musa?"

"As soon as I can." He promised.

I nodded, letting the silence wash over me, swirling me around with my guilt.

"So...do you still have to go?" Riven asked shyly.

I glanced at my watch, letting out another sigh. "Helia will be home soon...I should probably be heading back..."

Riven grumbled. "But I hardly got a chance to look at you." He came closer and closer, leaning in towards me, pulling my hips close to his. "Just stay for a little bit longer...Helia won't mind you being out _one_ night. You cant be in the house all the time."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not at home _all_ the time."

Riven stood back, looking at me, eyebrows raised in mock surprise. "Really? Well, I guess not, what with you standing in front of me in the middle of the woods an' all...but that's just a _minor_ detail."

I smiled at him.

He gazed back at me, eyes glistening again, warm as before.

I lost myself in those violet eyes, not for the first time, and fell away from the world. My surroundings blurred, became somewhat of a distant memory. Our fingers interlocked. His face was getting closer to mine, his eyes were closing. I was heading in the same direction, full speed ahead. But my head got the better of me again. I pulled my head in the opposite direction, my heart jolting as though it had been pierced with tiny little shards of broken glass. I hated doing that, but I had no choice. It was going to get worse too, after I told Helia. Riven's face fell, and his hands slipped out of mine.

"I really should be going, Riven. Helia will-"

"Be home soon, I know, I know." He sighed.

I nodded, biting my lip nervously. "I'm sorry Riven. Really, really sorry." I turned around, and went to leave, hoping to get further than 3 steps this time.

"Same time tomorrow?" He called after me. The hesitation in his voice showed that he knew he was pushing it. But luckily for him, I do enjoy seeing him, no matter how guilty it makes me feel. It's a challenge, right? A challenge that, no matter how rough, is always rewarded, with a feeling of complete happiness, a feeling of love.

I stopped, turning to face him again. Slowly, I began to smile, watching Riven's face so obviously flooding with relief. That boy is an open book (try telling that to him though). "I'll be here." I gestured to the clearing, disappearing into the shadows.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As soon as I was out of the trees, I broke into a clumsy run. It isn't easy running in converse that, if mistreated, will give your feet the biggest blisters in history. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my key, slowing as I approached the front door. Jamming it into the lock, I let myself in. I paused in the hallway, looking around. Taking off my jacket and throwing it onto one of the hooks on the wall, I strode into the living room, pulling off the offending shoes and rubbing my aching feet. Sticking on a pair of slippers I grabbed the converse and ran upstairs, shoving them under the bed. Then I took an oversize wooly cardigan, wrapped it around myself and checked the driveway. Still no sign of Helia. Pulling the sleeves over my hands and folding my arms, I returned down the stairs and curled up on the sofa. Switching on the TV, I breathed out, relaxing at last. Maybe Riven was right? How much longer could I keep this up? Is it time to let go? Is it really time for Helia to know the truth? Suddenly, the front door opened, making me jump.

"Flora?" Helia called.

Speak of the devil. I didn't move from the couch, just turned my head to face the door into the hall. I smiled sweetly. "Hey."

Entering the room, Helia looked at me through his jagged haircut. There was an awkward pause in place of the usual chit chat that followed his arrival. "So..."

I shrugged. "Yes?" I knew that he needed help with getting the conversation going, but I really didn't know what to say either. I didn't _want _to say anything. Silence was better than the words that needed to be said.

He sighed in exasperation. "Um...whatcha watching?"

I looked at the TV. Sure, it was on, but I wasn't really watching it. "Oh, it's just some..." I let one of the scenes play out. "...some reality TV show. It was the first thing that came up when I switched it on."

"Any good?" He was desperately trying to drag this conversation out.

"Alright."

Silent at last, Helia came and sat at the other end of the sofa. I remained where I was, curled into a ball in the corner, my elbow on the armrest and my head in my hand. It was too painful to go near him. I felt so bad. What kind of a mess was I in? Where I couldn't bear to spend time with my own boyfriend? Couldn't bear to look at him? I could feel his eyes boring into me, see him in the edge of my vision. It was blatantly obvious to me that we were on edge, threatening to fall. I just hoped Helia wouldn't notice. I stared at the screen in front of me, unseeing. I thought I could hear him talking to me, but I could barely hear him over the voices hissing in my head.

"Flora?" His voice was louder now, more forceful. It jolted me from my thoughts, brought me back to life. I glanced sideways at him, just so he knew I was listening. "Are you okay? You seem out of it tonight."

"Hmm? Oh, no, I'm fine Helia, really." I forced a smile, made myself hold his gaze.

He flashed a broken smile back. Maybe he was working it out... Then he put an arm out, laid his hand on my shoulder. "Hey? What are you doing all the way over there?" I turned to the floor as though it held the answers. Helia lifted his arm and waved his hand at me. "Come over here." His smile was now warm and welcoming.

Reluctantly, I shuffled against him, flinching as I came into contact with him. It didn't feel right. Nothing did, when it came to love. Not with me. Resting my head on his chest his arm wrapped around my shoulder and he relaxed, his breathing slow and steady. I could hear the rhythmic beating of his heart. Me on the other hand? I couldn't have felt more uncomfortable. This was supposed to be the right thing, yet it all felt so wrong. The complete opposite of what I felt with Riven. My priorities are messed up. My whole life is! Every breath shook. Helia didn't deserve this. But if he should be allowed to be truly happy, then shouldn't I? Besides, he could never be _truly _happy. Not with me. My entire life with him is a lie. He placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head, and then I could stand it no longer. Raising my head, I slid my legs round, sitting upright. Helia watched my every move, letting go of me.

"Everything alright?"

I gave my best attempt at an innocent smile, nodding. "Yeah, I am just so..." I trailed off, faking a yawn. I fake a lot of things around him. "So tired. I think I'll have an early night." Helia stood, holding my arms, looking down at me. I dragged my eyes away. I found it no easier to hold his gaze than I did Riven's. "You - you don't have to come now, it's alright. Um, stay and watch the TV for a bit...if you want, I don't mi-"

He silenced me with a kiss. I found myself unexpectedly going with it. My eyes closed, and I returned the kiss. My hands wrapped around his neck, his around my waist. _This _was how life should be. Simple. Without complications. But of course, it's not like that. If love was easy, we'd all have it. But it's not. As with Riven, the guilt flooded through me, to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if Helia could taste it on my lips. I broke the kiss, pulling myself away gently. He smiled. I didn't return the favour.

Helia looked confused, worried. "Flora, is...is there something going on? Something I don't know about? If something's upsetting you Flora, I need to know. I can help you."

I looked away, not answering the question.

"There is, isn't there?"

"That's not what I said..." I sighed.

"It's what your silence said."

I didn't answer again. What was I supposed to say? I though of Riven - _They're gonna figure it out for themselves...It's time to stop hiding...We can run from this moment, or we can learn from it... _  
>I knew I should tell him. For a second, I thought I might. I looked right into his eyes, saw the concern, the worry, the kindness he reached out with. Then I realised that I couldn't. I <em>wouldn't <em>do something like that. Then I realised I already had. I couldn't stay there. I had to get away from him, before my whole world crashed down around me.

"Night, Helia." I left, feeling his hand sliding down my arm, holding onto me for as long as possible.

Riven _was _right. I needed to tell him. If I carry on like this, he's gonna figure it out anyway. Tears were pricking my eyes. What had I gotten myself into? If I tell Helia, it will ruin him. If I don't tell him, it will ruin _me. _Helia just stood there, helpless, watching me go. I heard the leather of the sofa squeak slightly as he sat back down. I padded up the stairs, wiping my eyes delicately with the tip of my finger. I reached our room and looked at the double bed. I sighed, changing into pyjamas and going into the bathroom to take off my makeup. I caught sight of myself in the mirror. The sight of me made me feel sick. I am a terrible person. I turned my head away, new tears beginning to fall. I crawled into bed, lying on the very edge. I wish things could just go back to the way they were. But it's not like that. Not anymore.


	2. Nothing Left to Say

**Riven's P.O.V**

I remained standing in the woods for some time after she left. How could I have been so stupid? Flora isn't that kind of girl. She never wanted this...our love. Not for it to happen like this, at least. I was changing her. She _wanted_ to change. For _me_. Couldn't she see that I love her for her? Nothing else. And I wouldn't change her for the world. But at the same time, I can't help but feel like this is just my happy ending. Am I only looking out for myself? Or does she want this too?

Sometimes, I just think that she'd be better off with Helia. She's been with him for so many years, they'd been through so much together. I can still remember that first day she met him. She talked about little else, until she finally told him how she felt. I remember her saying that he was the best thing that ever happened to her, that he was the one person she felt comfortable with, the one she could always go to, would always be there by her side. Maybe that was what she really wanted, but was just taking time to truly figure it out. Maybe deep down, she still wanted Helia...I was just a detour on her journey to happiness.

Sighing, I finally decided that it was time to leave, turning and following the trail that led out to where my car was parked. I'd already told Musa that I would be late home, due to the fact that I had to drop something round my mate's house, but now the lying had to stop. If me and Flora were ever going to have a chance, it had to. I knew that this wouldn't be easy. Sacrifice never is. However, sacrifices had to be made, and it was a good thing I was prepared to make them. I wasn't about to lose Flora. I knew what I was going to say. I had to deflect all of Musa's affections, as gently as possible. Calm her down. Talk to her. I had to tell her the truth. About me, about Flora, about everything. I knew she would be heartbroken. But I would be if I lost Flora. I can't help how I feel. I tried to ignore it, but it was impossible.

I climbed into my car and turned the key. The engine sprang to life, and I manoeuvred my way off the grassy verge and out onto the quiet road. Weaving between the rows of shops and lines of houses, the nerves built up inside me to the point where they were unbearable. I could see Musa's face when I closed my eyes, her image burned into my mind. Tears running down her face as she heard the news that the love of her life didn't feel the same way about her. The noise of her entire world crashing down around her filled my ears. I finally understood wholly what Flora meant. She felt like this all the time. Was that just the way I worked? Inflicting pain, in its many forms, on the people I loved? Am I a complete walking disaster? A bomb waiting to explode? I thought so. But I wanted to change. Once this is all behind me, I'll have that chance. I'll have the chance to make myself a new life with Flora, where I can quit all the lying, all the running and hiding. Where I can be a better man. Flora...she makes me _want_ be a better man. For her. And I'm not about to let her down. Not now, not ever.

Turning onto the front drive of the small house I shared with Musa, I eyed the door warily. I didn't know if I wanted to go inside it. Not when I knew what was waiting for me on the other side. I stayed sat in the car for a long time, staring ahead of me unseeing. The darkness wrapped around me, broken only by the dimly lit street lamp that stood a few paces up the road, and the fragmented light that glistened through the tiny gaps in the drawn curtains of the front room. My legs seemed to be rooted to the spot. I was frozen. I didn't think I would be able to move. I didn't want to. I longed to be able to turn around now, and drive freely to Flora's, with no worries, no cares. To pick her up and for us to disappear into the night, far away from everything that held us back. But that wasn't possible. At least not until both Musa and Helia knew the truth.

A knock on the window rattled me, and I jumped from my mind back out into the real world. Placing a hand on my heart, I breathed deeply, trying to recompose myself. It hammered violently against my chest. Looking out of the window, I got another shock when I saw Musa's face peering in at me. She looked concerned, her deep blue black eyes filled with worry and confusion. Steadying myself, I reached out and rolled down the window.

"What are you doing out here?" She asked, looking at me quizzically. "I saw the headlights through the curtains ages ago."

"Well, I...um...I just needed to gather myself, you know?" I tried. "Have some quiet time to think."

"Alright." Musa nodded, opening the door. "What was on your mind?"

I rolled up the window and climbed out of the car. "Oh, you know. This and that. Nothing important."

"You sure?" She pressed. "If there's something you want to talk about..."

Following her towards the front door, I stopped just before we entered the house. Silently, I turned and locked the car, frozen inside my mind again. There was something I needed to talk about. Something serious. There was a lot to talk about, and I knew I had planned to do it right about now...

"No no." I smiled. "It's alright. I'm fine."

I leaned towards her and pecked her on the cheek, stepping into the hallway and closing the door behind us. So much for 'deflecting her affections.' First I needed to stop showing mine. The weird thing was, it was almost _habit _now. I didn't really _feel_ anything with Musa, not like the way I feel with Flora. I know that really, I don't love her. Not in the way she loves me. And yet I can't stop. I can't be cold towards her_,_ or act as though I don't care. Showing her I love her comes naturally, even though I know deep down it's just an illusion. I don't know how it happened, but it's not real. Maybe when we were younger, and everything was new, I _thought_ it was. But now I realise that it isn't. Now that I've found Flora, now I know what I've been without all this time, I cant just let her go. Even if that meant I had to let go of Musa.

"Do you want anything to drink?" She asked now. "I'm just about to stick the kettle on, if you do."

I shook my head, and sat down on the sofa, head in hand. I heard her footsteps disappearing into the kitchen, the bubbling of the boiling water.

"So what was it you wanted to drop off again?" She called from the next room. "And to who?"

"Oh, it was just... Ryan's keys...remember how I had that spare set for a while?"

"Oh yeah." Musa said.

"Well since I very rarely see him anymore, or go round his for anything, not like the old days anyway, I thought it was about time I returned his spare keys." I continued to explain myself, hoping I sounded more believable through Musa's ears. "I just remembered it this morning, so we arranged for me to drop them off and catch up a bit."

"That's nice." She replied.

I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"How was he?"

"Good, yeah." I answered, begging the questions to stop.

Thankfully they did. Musa returned to the living room with a cup of tea in her hand. She sipped it, watching me over the brim of the mug. She frowned, and that started the panic, deep inside me. Placing the drink down on the coffee table, she crossed her arms.

"Riven." She started.

"What?" I asked nervously.

"Something's up. There's something you're not telling me."

"I don't know what you're-"

"Don't lie to me!" She cried. "I know you're keeping something from me. It's troubling you. Can't you just talk to me about it?"

I hung my head.

"Come on, Riven. You can trust me. You know that you can tell me _anything_."

I took a deep breath, and looked Musa in the eye. Her frown became deeper when she saw the gentle tears that glimmered in my eyes.

"Anything?" I whispered.

"Riven..."

"Anything?" I said, louder and with more force this time.

She nodded. "Anything."

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

"I...I don't understand." She choked.

Her eyes were swimming with tears, her knees were shaking. Her suffering tore at my heart, and whether I loved her or not, I hated to see her like this. I hadn't even told her yet. Not all of it anyway. It wasn't looking good though.

"Why?" Her voice was more composed on this word, almost as if she knew it all already, like she was trying to drag the words from my mouth.

"I can't explain it..." I started, my own voice strangled by the lump in my throat that kept getting bigger. "Something is just- just..."

I sighed and rubbed a hand across the back of my neck. I was falling to pieces in front of her. That's not what was supposed to happen.

"I don't..."

"What, Riven?" Musa snapped suddenly, the tears flooding her face in a tidal wave. "You don't what?"

"I- I don't know how to-"

"Tell me the truth?" She sobbed. "'Cause that much is clear!"

"No, that's not it!" I raised my voice to the same level.

Musa's eyes burned into me. Her face was so heartbroken, her eyes deep pools of pain and longing. Longing for the truth. She looked shocked at my sudden violence, and I shrank back, trying to protect her...from me.

"So?" She asked again. "Riven, is there something I should know about? Something you're not telling me?"

I froze. Now was my chance. Musa had set me up perfectly to tell her the truth, to get out what I had to get out. It was a perfect time to tell her everything, all I had to do was answer her question...

I opened my mouth, my voice catching in my throat. "N- No..."

She sighed, and looked away. It was as though she knew what I was trying to say, and knew that I was too weak to tell her. It was as though the sight of me was sickening her. I was sickening myself.

"It's as though something is just preventing me from feeling anything anymore!" My voice sounded strange, foreign. Not like me at all. "I don't know Musa. It's as though something, just...I don't know. Died!"

"Is that it?" She asked in disgust. "I'm just not worth it? I'm not good enough for you?"

"No..." I whined. "No, Musa, it's not like that!"

"Oh really?" She scoffed. "Because that, Riven, is_ exactly_ what it sounds like!"

"Look," I argued. "If anything, it's me, okay?"

"No, this..._we_ are so far from okay!"

I sighed and shook my head at her. "Maybe to you. But, as sorry as I am Musa, I can't stay with you. And I can't allow you to screw up your life because of it. This may seem far from okay now, but you've got to trust me when I say that when the pain is over, you'll see things differently. If I stay, you'll never be happy. You deserve so much better."

Musa staggered backwards, falling into a chair. Her head was hung, her gaze focused on the floor, refusing to meet mine. I stood there, not knowing what to do. I had just picked our relationship to pieces, watched it crash down around us, seen the damage a broken heart can do. Musa hadn't moved yet, hadn't looked up. She just sat there, her breathing deep and shaky. Sighing, I walked tentatively towards her. I stopped, right in front of her and paused. I'd done enough damage. But I had to try. I couldn't just walk away and leave things like this. No good story comes to an end without a resolution, and our story together hadn't been a bad one. It just wasn't the right one.

I knelt down in front of her, and lifted her head up until her eyes met mine. I looked deep into them, looked past the tears and the puffiness, into the deep, blue-black depths, overflowing with pain. They burned into me, and I had to look away.

She sniffed, and no longer tried to disguise her tears or pain. "Is this what it's come to?" She sobbed. "You can't even look me in the eye."

I sighed again. That made the guilt so much worse. There was no chance that I would be able to lift my head and show my face again.

"Look at me!" She screamed suddenly.

I pushed my shame aside. Something in her voice made me look up and I watched her intently. I made sure I looked right into her eyes. She frowned, as though she was searching my soul for the answers she so desperately wanted.

"Musa..."

"Just look at me!" She cried.

"I am." I said calmly. "And you know what I see?"

She stared at me coldly, and shook her head. "I don't know. Someone that you can string along for a while? Someone you can lead on up to drop? An easy target?"

"No, Musa." I took her hands, but she snatched them away. That hurt. But I carried on anyway. "I see a strong woman, who has the world before her, her whole life ahead of her. She's brave, smart, and any guy would be lucky to have her. They guy who had her never should have, because he was never good enough for her. And she deserves a true shot at happiness. I see a woman who, even though now she's in pain, will pick herself up, brush herself off, and keep moving forward. Because, wasn't it her who once told an idiotic, pathetic guy who never deserved her that it's not how you fall, but how you get back up, that matters?"

"You didn't mean a word of that." She spat. "If that was what you really though, why leave me now? Why do this to me?"

"Look, I don't know! But I think it's better to tell you now, than hold you back. Musa, I know what a dick I've been. I get that. And I hate myself for this. But how much more cruel would I be if I stayed? If I stayed and let you love me, when really, I don't feel the same anymore? Maybe I used to, but that was a long time ago. Times change, as do people."

"What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?" She cried.

"I don't hate you Musa. But at the same time, I don't _truly _love you. And you deserve so much better. When I'm gone Musa, you have your whole life ahead of you. A girl like you, she can do so much. You can have it all, Musa!"

She looked up at me, tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks, dripping into her lap. She sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. She pushed me away from her, and I fell backwards in shock, climbing to my feet. Face full of contempt, eyes full of pain. Musa was a sad heap of crushed dreams and heartbreak. She shook her head.

"All I wanted was you!" She cried out, getting up and running out of the room. "All I _ever _wanted was you!"

"Musa!" I called after her.

"Stay away from me!"

I heard her feet thunder up the stairs. I stayed in the room, not knowing what to do. Then I heard several soft thumps out in the hallway. I peered round the door, and saw a pile of my clothes forming at the bottom of the stairs. Musa was throwing heaps of my stuff down the stairs.

"Musa!" I cried again. "Please...just, calm down!"

"Calm down?" She roared, pausing for a moment, gasping for breath. "_Calm down_?"

"Please-"

"No! I _loved you! _You hear me, Riven? I have always loved you, for so long. And there was me, _stupid _me thinking you felt the same! Why wait until now? If you claim you don't feel anything, why ever pretend? Why?"

"I didn't pretend Musa!" I yelled back. "I told you, things change!"

"Maybe." She said. "But that doesn't change how I feel."

I looked up at her, and she threw the bundle of clothing she held in her hand down at me. I caught it at the last second. I opened my mouth, but she held up her hand.

"Save it Riven." She shot.

"Musa-"

"Get out." Musa spoke quietly.

"What?"

"Get. Out."

I sighed, and gathered my stuff off the floor. I went outside and bundled it all in the car. Then I went up stairs and walked past Musa as quickly as possible, not meeting her eyes. She stood there and stared straight ahead, not even turning around. I went into our room and picked up the last of my things, anything that hadn't been lobbed down the stairs. As I walked by her again, I stopped.

Positioning myself in front of her, I tried one last time. "Musa..."

She just scrunched her eyes tight shut and turned her head away.

Sighing, I began to walk away, to leave. For good. I stopped at the top of the stairs and turned back to her. "Goodbye Musa. I'm truly sorry it had to be this way. So sorry."

And with that, knowing I could do no more, I descended the stairs. That was supposed to be what set me free, so why did I feel so trapped. I wasn't upset that me and Musa were through. Now I could be with Flora, without the constant guilt. But if anything, Musa was still my best friend. That was something which I had now lost. As cold as I may seem, I'm not as bad as people make out. The pain I felt at hurting her was unbearable. But there was nothing left to say. Leaving through the front door and closing it behind me I left my key in the inside lock. I wasn't going back there. What was there to go back to?


End file.
